Persons and Things - Tournier

I think Tioli is correct. Life is all about relationships; we appear to be designed for relationships and to some extent cannot grow to become whole persons without significant personal relationships. In addition to the interactions with friends that shape us simply by, to some degree, sharing in their experiences; our spouses shape us even more. For instance, most of us are inherently selfish without knowing it. Babies are almost totally selfish, demanding our attention;probably because their awareness of the world around them is so limited. But growing up should change that as we realize there is value and satisfaction in interdependent or even purely altruistic relationships.

I think much of the conflict of in spousal relationships is caused by a lack of focus on the ‘other’. I sometimes think the main value in raising children is to help us become aware of our own selfishness. A significant percentage of the time, the root of my annoyances with my children was caused by my own selfishness – they were interrupting my activities, taking up my time, disturbing my peace.

I also am thankful for the differences in genders, but these days that is often viewed as an exercise in diversity in much the same way that you want contrast in a photo to make it prettier, more interesting, or clearer. I think Tournier would agree that those perspectives have value in themselves, but his claim is that our civilization is incomplete and more importantly distorted in such a way that Western civilization causes harm because of it’s fundamentally male value system.

One of Tournier’s lifetime activities was to reintroduce personal relationship into the medical profession. He told medical doctors that their patients were not just a combination of symptoms to be diagnosed and treated in much the same way that an auto mechanic would fix a car. That if people were not also seen a persons, the best diagnosis and treatments could be ineffective if the patient did not believe the doctor cared.

Tournier highlighted studies where lack of 'caring' resulted in poor medical care and higher mortality rates in patients. One that he referred to was a well known study of babies in hospitals in the early 1900’s. At that time it was believed that if you held babies too much, it was not good for them. The mortality rate was higher than expected and someone conducted an experiment where the nurses would pick the babies up and hold them on a regular schedule for fixed periods of time. They found that the mortality rates dropped as a result. We would probably say ‘duh’ to that, but many doctors still treat patients as if they are malfunctioning machines with the result that a current study shows that if the patient believe the doctor cares as evidenced by the doc spending 15 minutes with a patient, the mortality rates go down and malpractice lawsuits drop to almost nothing.

In spite of more than a century of feminist efforts, this kind of illustration comes as a surprise to many. I think most men and many women who go to a doctor just want an accurate diagnosis and the right treatment. Does that sentence make sense? If it does and Tournier is correct, (“that a ‘male’ dominated society values power, reason, and technology”) then our mindset is typical of Western civilization. It’s not that power, reason, and technology are bad; (I want a smart doctor with a good grasp of medical technology) but that being treated as a respected person is also critically important.

Tournier says that during the Renaissance, Western civilization made a resolute choice of:
          Rational against irrational
          'I it' against 'I thou'
          Objectivity against affectivity and mystical communion
          Physics against metaphysics

One result was a world that most people are somewhat uncomfortable in and another was to push women into the wings to the detriment of all.

Women's mission? Push your way back onto center stage without pushing men off. Partner with men to create a culture that balances a value of both things and persons.

Gift of Feelings by Paul Tournier

Many long years ago (30) when I was still quite naïve, (or at least ignorant) I married a sweet lovable woman. I was very happy with her but for a few minor (very) flaws that would be oh so simple to correct. I proceeded to make an attempt to help her make those simple changes that so obviously (to me) would make her life better. She cried most of the first year of our marriage and was crushed because she was torn between wanting to both please me and remain herself.

My wise mother-in-law gave me a book to read. I don’t know if the timing was simply fortuitous, because she knew I needed it, or if this was a God thing (or a combination of same).

The book was “The Gift of Feeling” by Paul Tournier and it changed my life, my perspective toward women and in particular toward my wonderful wife. Tournier wrote the book in the ‘70’s and the first page catches your attention. He says that women today have a mission; men have kept them out of public life, kept them in the wings, and built up our western technical society without them - a masculine society built entirely on masculine values and tragically lacking the contribution women could make. Here is another quote attributed to Tournier; “That is what marriage really means: helping one another to reach the full status of being persons, responsible and autonomous beings who do not run away from life.”

I read quite a few books, but every once in while a book comes along that changes my life. “The Gift of Feeling” was such a book. Sometimes a book will have a huge impact on us and yet when we go back to it years later, find that because we have changed, the book is not as significant now as it was then. Because this book was so significant to me and I have discussed the concepts with many friends and relations over the years; I decided to reread it. I had loaned it out at some point and lost track of it but my wife found a couple of old copies in her junk store ramblings.

My attempts to change my wife were an ill-advised effort to remake her in my image – to make her more like a man. Tournier believes that our Western civilization since the Renaissance has been essentially male; dominated by male values resulting in women being shunted off into the wings. This has caused our entire culture to focus on and value things as opposed to persons - oriented toward the masculine values of power, reason and technology. No one is really comfortable in this world, even men, but women suffer more from this orientation toward things instead of persons.

Women in this past century, to a significant extent, have come out of the wings and have proven that they can compete in a man’s world. We have all heard women quip that “anything a man can do, a woman can do better” and many women have proven that to be true but possibly at the price of being more like men then many men. Whether or not this is true, it appears that Western civilization is still unbalanced in its focus on things as opposed to persons.

More later……