Control and Freedom

I don’t believe any of us values freedom as much as God does. We certainly hesitate to allow our children to make choices that we know will hurt them. One of our fundamental responsibilities, one of our highest goals in raising our children is to teach them how to make good choices. If we make good choices for them until they leave our care, we may have failed in this fundamental responsibility.

There is an oft repeated statement that "Kids are out of control these days." Our society tends to thinks of teens as irresponsible. There is a general belief that 'control' is the solution. It may be that they are irresponsible because we haven't taken the responsibility to teach them how to make good decisions and to give them the freedom to be responsible and suffer the consequences of that freedom. I believe control is highly overrated; high control can breed irresponsible behavior because the responsibility for control lies outside oneself.

Choices

In one of the final scenes of The Sorcerers Stone, Harry Potter makes the observation that he shares several characteristics with the central villain, Lord Voldomort. Dumbledorf responds with the best line in the whole movie, he says “You are not defined by your abilities, but by the choices you make”. What a line! Greatness is not determined by our innate abilities, but by our ability to make good choices with the abilities we are born with.

I’m continually astonished at the value God places in freedom of choice. God designed the angels with the ability to choose to serve Him or not. Satan chose to serve himself rather than his creator. God apparently values freedom of choice so highly that He was willing to let Satan and one third of the angels suffer eternally so that all could have a choice. With the backdrop of that choice and the following angelic war God chose to create Adam and Eve with the ability to make the same choice with the result that sin and death, pestilence and war, and in the end, eternal destruction for some became the reality for mankind. He values our freedom of choice so highly he was willing allow us to suffer the consequences of our choices even though He knew He and we would live with pain and suffering because He gave and gives us the ability to choose. Incredible!

Thoughts on Control

This is a new thought for me so comments are grist for additional thinking and discussion. This is the thought: If parents are high controllers, an appropriate response for the child of age is rebellion.

In Galatians Paul says that we are called to be free. In the context of being a good neighbor, he goes on to say we are to use that freedom to make good choices; “Love your neighbor as yourself”. In Revelations Jesus makes the statement about “knocking on the door”. The implication again is that we are responsible for making a choice. We are designed to be free in the context of community.

As a purely practical matter, there will come a time in every person’s life where the parent will not be available to make choices for their children. Indeed, as the child distances himself or herself in miles and/or context; parents will be increasingly unable to make good decisions for the child. A primary responsibility for every parent is to give their children the tools by which to make responsible decisions.

A major problem resulting from high control parenting is that eventually every child will inherently understand that he or she is designed for independent thought and action. If the parent does not plan for this eventuality, this will likely end in one of two places for the child, either complacency or rebellion and both are dangerous places to be.

The complacent child will eventually find themselves separated from their parents either by distance or relationship and will want to find a replacement to give them direction. Peer pressure will be a primary tool used to make decisions. “What do I do?” or “What is everyone else doing?” will be the rule of life.

The rebellious child will deliberately make choices that declare their independence from their parents. Problems arise in several areas. They are unable to make responsible choices because they haven’t been trained nor have they been practicing the art of balancing choices and consequences. If the parent has been making all significant decisions and defining the rules of life; the parent has been making the choices and the child is not responsible for the consequences – good or bad. It takes time and practice to learn this art. The controlling parent robs the child of tools of decision making.

The act of rebellion also put enormous pressure on the child. They know they are right in seeking freedom and they may see the consequences of their actions are not good. This may result in a feeling of inadequacy or incompetence; on this path lies depression and all the ills that accompany it.

Rebellion strains the relationship with the parent. For most children, this in itself is painful; almost all children desire the admiration, support and love of their parents. When one doesn’t have this support, the pain may be so severe one can become catatonic seeking oblivion in some fashion in effect curling up in a corner, howling frustration to the world, or substance abuse.

Both complacency and rebellion resulting from over controlling parenting directly impact a child’s ability to prepare for life in that critical period when they have left home and are attending college or starting a career. Success in life depends to a large extent on the ability to make independent decisions based on calm and careful observation along with an analysis of choices and consequences. The pressures of complacency or rebellion will probably preclude a persons ability to make wise decisions.