Rite of Passage

In one of the final scenes of The Sorcerers Stone, Harry Potter makes the observation that he shares several characteristics with Lord Voldomort, the central villain. Dumbledorf responds with the best line in the whole movie; “You are not defined by your abilities, but by the choices you make”. What a line! Greatness is not determined by our innate abilities, but by our ability to make good choices with the abilities we are born with.

I’m continually astonished at the value God places in freedom of choice. God designed the angels with the ability to choose to serve Him or not. Satan chose to serve himself rather than his creator. God apparently values freedom of choice so highly that He was willing to let Satan and one third of the angels suffer eternally so that all could have a choice. With the backdrop of that choice and the following angelic war God chose to create Adam and Eve with the ability to make the same choice with the result that sin and death, pestilence and war, and in the end, eternal destruction for some became the reality for mankind. He values our freedom of choice so highly he was willing allow us to suffer the consequences of our choices even though He knew He and we would live with pain and suffering because He gave and gives us the ability to choose. Incredible!

I don’t believe any of us values freedom as much as God does. We certainly hesitate to allow our children to make choices that we know will hurt them. One of our fundamental responsibilities, one of our highest goals in raising our children is to teach them how to make good choices. If we make good choices for them until they leave our care, we may have failed in this fundamental responsibility.

There is an oft repeated statement that "Kids are out of control these days." Our society tends to thinks of teens as irresponsible. There is a general belief that 'control' is the solution. It may be that they are irresponsible because we haven't taken the responsibility to teach them how to make good decisions and to give them the freedom to be responsible and suffer the consequences of that freedom. I believe control is highly overrated; high control can breed irresponsible behavior because the responsibility for control lies outside oneself.

Children love choices; “Do you want to wear the red shirt or the blue shirt?” This may be a difficult choice for a two year old and a great opportunity to teach a child how to make good choices. Every child will reach a point in time when they will have to make their own choices and to carry the responsibility for those choices. We may wish to protect them from the reality of their choices; but at some point we as parents will lose that ability. If we wait too long to transfer that responsibility we may cripple them for life.

I believe that a Rite of Passage is a mechanism we can use to successfully 'lose control' of our children. A Rite of Passage is a ceremonial transition for a child, a memorable point that an adult can look back on as the point in time after which the child was or at least began to act like and be treated as an adult. Looking back, it is a point in time after which an individual is freed from many of the restrictions of childhood and able to assume many of the responsibilities of an adult.

I think it is also important that the child be able to look forward to the time when he or she can expect more freedom and responsibility. When a child asks the inevitable question; "When will you start treating me like a grownup?"; you have an answer. Without a planned transition, your answer is likely to be; "When you start acting like one." While this answer is largely correct, the response in the child is likely to be hopelessness. Proverbs 13:6 says "Hope deferred makes the heart sick." For a Rite of Passage system to work, it needs to be understood by all that it is inevitable. The parents must communicate the message: "You can't skip 13, your parents are planning on your taking your place as an adult. You don't need to fear perpetual childhood, your time will come. You will take your place in adult society."

Most children believe they should have more freedom. I believe God has built this mechanism into children to prepare them for the responsibility of adulthood. Healthy happy people need meaningful relationships and significant responsibility. That is as true for children as it is for adults. All of us have seen a two or three year old's chest swell with pride when we have them help us carry something heavy. If we slowly give the child more freedom and increasingly significant responsibilities, they will come to learn that freedom and responsibility are inextricably entwined. We parents need to give children increasing levels of responsibility from the earliest possible age. If a child understands that increased freedom brings with it increased responsibility, the likelihood is that being out of the nest will not have the allure that it has if they have little freedom and responsibility going into their mid teen years.

These children may even look forward to the passage point with a certain amount of dread. My wife and I had to push our children to get them to get their drivers licenses. They complained that the only reason we wanted them to get a license was so we could get them to run errands for us. This was in part true, by that point we were tired of being the chauffeur for them and their friends. When many of their friends were getting their motor vehicle licenses and living dangerously with the newly acquired freedom, ours were not anxious to avoid their parents. Our daughter complained that she would have to travel alone more and not be able to spend as much time with us.

With our firstborn, we almost held on too long with a resulting desperation for freedom on his part. We needed a crash course how to release him to live out the life for which he was designed. We had prepared him to make good decisions, but because he was prepared for additional responsibility and decisions and we had not given them to him, he was feeling desperate and was willing to display his feelings. Fourteen was a difficult year, I believe largely because we had prepared him for his Rite of Passage, told him; "Today you are a man" and not followed through on our end. The result was a desperate fight for control and for freedom.

In our ignorance and only by God's grace we found the perfect solution. At fourteen, we sent him off to work at a summer camp a thousand miles away. They worked him from early morning to late night with no salary. This gave him freedom from our control, but it also gave him meaningful responsibility. The unpaid youth staff performed a majority of the work at camp. The adult staff saw their responsibility as assisting the youth staff assume the role of ministry to the younger campers and to keep the camp operating. It was perfect, he was given significant responsibility (the camps could not have operated without the youth staff) and within this context meaningful relationships - with the adult staff discipleship and training, a group of youth laboring together and young children to love and care for. I'd like to say we planned it that way, but I believe it was God giving us a kick where it would do the most good to take the next step in helping the children He had given us to become responsible and competent adults.

A Rite of Passage is not a pivotal event in which a parent and child share a significant bonding activity in late childhood. I think this type of parent/child event can be important and can take place at approximately the same time as a Rite of Passage and is a point of transition in the relationship between the parent and young adult. It is important because of the future of the adult parent/child relationships. How many times have we heard someone lament the lack of leadership among the young men and women of the church? It may be the result of the youth and adults never having the opportunity to see each other as competent co-workers.

With our sons, this bonding event turned out to be an unplanned marathon trip to visit potential colleges. From that point on we related in a different way. These trips changed the nature of our relationships. It has been fun to be able to talk with them as adults having opinions of their own, willing and able to defend their perspectives. It is especially exciting to carry on a discussion with them when they arrive at a conclusion I could not have by myself and realize they are correct.

While this activity is important, I do not believe it is a Rite of Passage. It may even be a critical activity for the future of the family relationships and possibly for society at large, but the Rite of Passage is uniquely for the child.

Some Native American cultures sent the boys off by themselves to find out who they were. Some didn't even have a name of their own until they did find themselves. They might die in the process, but they could not take their place in adult society until successful completion of their Rite of Passage. From that point on they had the privileges and responsibilities of an adult.

A Rite of Passage has to do with the passage from childhood to adulthood. A line in the Jewish Bar Mitzvah ceremony states "Today you are a man." It is a point of transition.

With our children, we chose to do this as a ceremony when they turned thirteen. We asked them to choose a nice restaurant. The oldest chose the Red Lion. Our middle child didn't care where he went and was OK with pizza and even suggested McDonalds. We vetoed these choices and told him he could choose any place he wanted, but it had to be a classy restaurant because the occasion was an important one and needed a significant frame to clarify that this was a very significant event. He chose the same restaurant as his older brother had. By the time our youngest child's turn came, the Red Lion had become a tradition and she followed in her brothers' footsteps. We didn't care where it happened, but we did want a special place to identify this as a special occasion.

Up to this time, we had treated them as children with rights and responsibilities of children. From this point on, we would treat them as adults with the privileges and responsibilities of adults.

After this point they were required to make most of their own decisions. We tried to offer as little advice as possible. We would continue teach them, but from that point on, they had the freedom to agree or not. There were no consequences for disagreement unless there were violations of house rules or standards any adult should follow. We have two rules for people living in our house - no sex or drugs. We never made it a rule, but if it became an issue, we would probably insist on church attendance. Violation means you can not live with us any more. We had one foster son living with us who violated the drug rule, was caught and was gone the same day. We have also reserved for ourselves an open ended right of veto as long as they live in our home. This last may be a violation of the principle, but with our lack of omniscience, we believe it is a necessary safeguard.

Prior to this passage point, we did our best to protect them; after this event, we let them suffer the consequences of their own actions as much as is practical. We believe that prior to this time the parent cannot escape or evade the responsibility to protect. They must be in charge; the child is not safe - physically, emotionally or spiritually - when the parent is physically or emotionally absent. Children are by definition immature and will make mistakes and sin simply due to immaturity and the consequences may destroy them. The parents cannot abdicate their responsibility to care for and protect their children.

There are implications for anyone planning a Rite of Passage. The child must be trained in decision making. Safety is a consideration in any decision. When we give a person the right to make most of their own decisions, we transfer our role as protector. For the parent to be able to transfer responsibility for care and protection, to give the young adult authority to make most decisions, implies that the child has been given adequate training so that they are able to care for and protect themselves, qualified to make good decisions. It would be dangerous to suddenly give a child the privileges of an adult if there has not been adequate preparation.

The process of bringing a child to adulthood is a process that culminates with a 'Rite of Passage'; it does not start there. My wife and I believe that this training starts as soon as the child wants something. The choice for a two year old might be "Do you want a cookie or a cracker, do you want a red popsicle or a blue one?" They must be trained to make decisions. A child must learn to justly fear a poor decision. When children are young, we impose artificial penalties, be it spanking, timeout or a withdrawn privilege. As soon as possible, the penalty for a poor decision needs to transition to natural consequences so that the child, while still young, learns that poor decisions bring inevitable and painful consequences. We will never 'catch them in the act' often enough to successfully train them in effective decision making if the consequences remain artificial and not natural. This must start when they are very young. Training to make good decisions will probably start with simple choices with little consequence, but must have evolved to significant decisions with possible lifetime consequences by the time of the Rite of Passage.

We have found that the freedom to hurt themselves with poor decisions is astonishingly effective in helping a child learn to make good decisions. One of our children decided he wanted to live in another culture with another family. This was not a casual thought or rebellious act. We vetoed being a foreign exchange student to Finland and arranged for him to live one semester with a Christian family on the Navajo reservation. This satisfied his requirements for this major goal that he had set for himself and satisfied our responsibility for his safety and Christian training. Within a couple of weeks he realized that he had made a mistake but he was well into the semester and if he left in the middle would not graduate early - another of his goals. He had to live with the consequence of his choice for several months.

Our children at times have complained that we did not give them enough advice, that their friend's parents would tell them what to do and why couldn't we tell them what to do. Until a child understands that there are consequences, possibly lifetime consequences, hanging on any decision they make, they are not adequately prepared for adulthood.

Another implication of a Rite of Passage is that the young adult is transitioning into a life of meaningful service. I think one of the difficulties of young people is the fact that they are expected to have fun (not a problem) but not expected to contribute to society. In a Christian context, they have difficulty finding meaningful service. If Philippians is correct, joy comes in service. Simply living does not provide enough satisfaction or enjoyment. Service opportunities must be given to emerging adults.

My wife and I believe that summer camp was the making of our children. They have worked as volunteers at Kansas Bible Camp (KBC). The camp has adults in charge of the work teams (maintenance, counseling, housecleaning, cooking etc.); however the youth do most of the work. These adults view themselves as mentors. They have two responsibilities, one is to operate the camp and the other is to train and disciple the volunteer staff. The youth know that if they do not do their jobs, there will be no camp. They accomplish meaningful service through hard work. I once asked one of my sons why he thought working at KBC such a great experience. His answer surprised me. He said the reason camp was so great was because of working with the same group of kids every day on the work teams. I hope Kansan's will forgive me, but working outdoors in Kansas in the summer heat and humidity is not my idea of fun. I believe the point he was making was that he developed lifelong friendships (meaningful relationships) while carrying out his responsibilities (significant service). Our youngest was a counselor at camp this past summer and is involved in Key Club (the youth branch of Kiwanis). Key Club is a service organization that raises funds for charity. I believe that meaningful service is a critical component for the enjoyment of life and specifically in the transformation of children into adults.

If the Rite of Passage does not result in increased responsibility for decisions that impact their lives and in meaningful service, I do not believe it will have a lasting impact because it will be a denial of the reality of the rite itself.

It is ultimately an issue of respect. Do we respect these children, that God himself designed, enough to allow them to display the work that God is doing in their lives?
A 'generation gap' is caused by or possibly illustrates a lack of communication and trust between the generations. This may be due to a successful attempt by each generation to 'escape' from the control of the previous generation. A Rite of Passage is a societal mechanism to integrate each young person into the adult generation.

Healthy happy people need meaningful relationships and significant responsibility. That is as true for children as it is for adults. A Rite of Passage is a tool we can use to focus our attention and provide a timeline to successfully raise the children God has blessed us with.